March 28, 2014

It is fucking ridiculous that my heart hurts every time i think of you.
It is pathetic how I’ll just take whatever you’ll give me.
I get so upset right in the middle of things because i do this to myself.
You’ll text me, we’ll talk.
You’ll come over, we’ll curl up together.
But then I’ll just watch it all slip, all over again.
I’ll become the one texting you, receiving the smallest responses, if any.
You won’t talk to me, unless i text you first.
And even still, i fall to the background and become something that doesn’t even matter anymore.
It’s idiotic of me to think i served any other purpose that curing your bordem while your girlfriend is busy or sleeping, or not available.
It’s idiotic of me to believe anything you say.
When you say you think of me, and are missing me, and have thought about if we fixed things.
It’s always when you’re lonely, because she isn’t around or you don’t have anyone else to be talking to.
And you know you have that hold on me, you know exactly how to pull at my heart.
That’s what isn’t fair.
Because i don’t even realize it, until it’s already done.
I say i miss you,
But what i miss is the man i had after our son was born.
I miss the man that always put his family first and cared about our well being before his own.
You won’t deal with confrontation because of one excuse after another.
paperwork, you’re busy, you don’t wanna break down.
But why would you?
You aren’t that man anymore..
If you were, you’d want my attention, your family would always be on your mind, and you wouldn’t just string us along with this false hope, that maybe, sometimes, we are on your mind.
We would know, without a doubt.
You’re just playing head games.
And it sucks when someone loves you so much,
And then you do that to them.
Because i just allow myself to be heartbroken, time after time.
Because i never want to lose hope on that love i cant let go of.
I don’t even know why i do this.

March 1, 2014

Please excuse me while i fucking cry myself to sleep.

March 1, 2014

Why the fuck can i not let go..
I am better than this dammit.

February 22, 2014
Fucking repost. So maybe someone that matters will fucking see it.

Wow so you fucking deleted everything huh?
Why?
I’ve never hated someone so much in my fucking life.
You cheated on your bitch WITH ME.
You have the time, money, and effort to take her on helicopter rides and go to fucking Colorado,
But where are you when it comes to your fucking son, huhh?
You’re such a piece of shit.
Cassen needs his fucking daddy,
But instead you’re out fucking around.
Have a fucking blast.
It was my birthday first, bitch.

February 3, 2014

Anonymous asked: Tried to paste link in but won't let me. Look up this song on YouTube with the lyrics. No One Has To Know- The Material. Remember music can heal wounds as well as time.

February 3, 2014

Too bad he’s lying to you honey.
He’s got quite a bit to tell.
Why dont you ask him what he’s hiding?
Make him be honest.
Oh wait, he’d never do that.
He doesn’t give a shit enough to even give you that.
But, I’ve girls trash is anothers treasure, right?
He’s aaaalll yours.
I’m done with the head games and immaturity.

January 6, 2014

Anonymous asked: Butt queff.

(: butt queef to you too.

January 2, 2014

Posting on the bf one from now on.
Because it is easier.
i can be more open.

January 2, 2014

I hate that, literally since I’ve met you, we’ve never been apart.
Maybe that’s why its so hard.
Since you moved here we were best friends.
We fought one time.
You were the first boy to ever stay the night at my house,
The one i leaned on when i was dating anyone,
You remember how upset you were that night at the square?
That killed me to know i made you that sad.
You were my best friend.
Then you were so much more.
Never would i have thought that night, when we cuddled on my couch, the first night you ever stayed over, that we’d be here.
I could tell you everything.
Our relationship was so much more.
This time last year is when i loved it the most i think.
Everyone thought we were destined to fail.
We pulled through the roughest time, holding one another.
The first nights in this house, i can remember, us trying to get bubs to sleep.
Waking up to a little “hey” every morning.
At 6 months, being so scared to have him sleep in his big boy room.
Fighting with Troopy for bed space.
And being the blanket monster.
I don’t miss the way he’d howl when you weren’t here -.-
The way we’d get so close,
In the man cave,
And watch that 70’s show until we were so tired.
Finally we got DirecTV.
We were so pumped.
Then internet.
Too slow for us to do anything with, but too excited to care.
The way you would turn on the Netflix for me every single night.
And I’d curl up to your butt and we’d pass right out.
I hated waking you up for work, because i hated seeing you leave.
I’d get so excited the second you would tell me your relief crew was on its way.
We let the stupid little shit cloud our happiness.
That’s i think what tears me up the most.
Because, in all honesty, besides a few arguments, what was wrong with what we had?
You were my best friend.
And i guess I’m to stubborn to let things go.
Because you never let go of me.
You were always there.
That’s why i think this is killing me so much.
I was so set on our plans, with school and good jobs and the perfect life for Bubby.
And i am somehow expected to let all of that go?
5 years worth of history.
3 and a half years worth of being in love.
A years worth of being a family.
I can just see past this,
I can see the real you, in there somewhere.
I know you kept saying its too late to go back,
There’s too much damage done,
But honestly, we both know that isn’t true.
I wanted to start this new year fresh.
I really am trying to move on.
I want to be past every bit of this so bad.
But the more i ignore my feelings, the more they attack me.
I quit thinking of you, so now all i do is dream of you.
Everytime i do, within the next few days, we talk. Its weird.
But my dreams are coming on a constant now.
All the good memories are replaying in my head.
I drove by Hayley and Codys the other day, just for kicks.
But, i thought, bringing in the new year would be a great reason to over come this.
It seems to be just making it worse.
Valentines day was when we got our keys.
We stayed curled up at Austin and Tyanne’s for a week, waiting on everything to be turned on.
Remember getting that app on your phone, so bubs and i didn’t have to sleep in the dark?
Our birthday weekend, was rough.
But at the same time, great.
That night began bad, got worse, then by the time we got home we were screaming at each other.
You broke down, showed me how hurt you were, and we mended things, held one another all night, honestly one of the best birthdays I’ve had.
Then we made another attempt at going out, it was great.
We had our first dance, and it made me feel so great to be beside you.
All i wanted was to feel like i mattered to you, and that night, i definitely did.
I never thought in a million years, this is where we’d be.
I can see when its you, my best friend, talking to me.
And when its this stranger I’ve only met once before.
When i think of us, I never think of that summer.
I think of every good time we had.
Because there were only a few bad times, and i like to pretend they don’t exist.
That night you grabbed your gun, it struck me, how much you really did care about our family.
I was so scared to lose you.
And that night, we apologized and went to bed.
Then we started fighting more, and i didn’t know how to deal with it.
The one night i didn’t kiss you goodnight, that’s where i felt like things turned.
I didn’t think something so miniscule would lead to this. But i allowed the both of us to go to bed mad.
Which we had never done.
That’s when you shut yourself off to me.
And quicker that i could grasp, things fell apart.
I’m so sorry i didn’t value what we had.
I’m so sorry i made that tiny little mistake.
I hold it against myself everyday, when i look around and see this isn’t the life i envisioned.
Right now we should be looking at houses. Getting a down payment.
Had you a truck.
And getting better and better.
Instead, you’re off, happy i guess.
I’m here, hollow.
And it feels as if nothing has been accomplished.

Worst part is,
I found a guy that is so great to me.
Literally everything i said i wanted.
And i can’t even appreciate him because i can’t let you go.
I just want to text you, and spill
Every bit of this, but i just can’t.
I have to keep ignoring it.
Because i dont want to ruin your happiness.
That’s selfish of me.

Anyway.
I’m going to try and get some more sleep, because i haven’t been getting any lately.
So, good night.

January 2, 2014

"why do you thrive for me?"
I still don’t know the answer to this.

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